Shades of green

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Some days, I miss you so much that my chest feels heavy, like a thousand kilos are weighing me down. When you said, "I like the pain in love. That feeling is beautiful," I immediately replied, "Me too," without thinking twice.

I was wrong.
I hate this feeling.
I don’t like the pain it’s causing me. Some days are better than others...some days, I feel like I can walk past you and feel nothing, but other days, I’m lying on my bathroom floor, shattered. I remember the night I called you over and over because I was having panic attacks, and you chose not to answer. I cried until I couldn’t breathe, lying there, convinced it was all my fault.

I'm not trying to blame you. I just happen to feel all these conflicting emotions at once. Nothing could ever make me hate you, not even you.

You always said I could forget you exist, but a part of you would always remain inside me. You were the calm to my storm, the peace to my chaos. I didn’t know where to turn when you were gone. Whenever I had a bad day, I missed you even more. There was no one to tell me I was crying over the silliest things, that my obsession with academic validation was pointless, that coffee couldn't solve all my problems, how delusional I was, or how childish I could be.

There was no one saying, "I love the way you talk," or "I enjoy hearing every detail of your day."

Once, I asked you, "What’s your favorite color?"
You said, "Green."
I thought, What a strange color to choose as a favorite.
I told you I didn’t like green, that you were supposed to like the same colors as me, sky blue or white. "Why do you like green?" I asked.
"I don’t know," you replied. "I just like it."

Since that day, green is not just a color for me. It reminds me of you, every shade of green.

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