The silent Scream

 I was in one of my lectures, trying my best to focus on what the professor was saying, but nothing was sinking into my head.

At that moment, I felt a rush of unease in my body. My chest tightened, my heart started racing, and a strange dizziness began to overtake me. It was getting difficult to see; it felt like my eyes were covered by a fog. I couldn’t stand being in the lecture hall anymore.

In a flash, I was curled up with my knees to my chest, crying on the floor. I don’t know how I managed to get to my room. I couldn’t breathe and thought I wouldn’t make it to tomorrow.

I lay on the floor for what felt like an eternity until I mustered the courage to move but I still couldn't understand why this was happening to me. I felt paralyzed, like everything seemed to shut down in front of my eyes. Suddenly, the room began to spin. My breath came in shallow gasps, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get enough air. My heart pounded, my hands tingled, and a suffocating dread flooded my senses.

The next thing I knew, I was on a hospital bed, looking up at my baba and aama’s faces, heavy with unspoken sorrow, sadness etched into every crease. I imagined they must be disappointed in their child. I took a deep breath as I looked at them. The doctor said I had a panic attack, which caused me to collapse. I was supposed to be strong, how could I stress out to the point of ending up in a hospital bed? Am I weak for not being able to handle these little stresses? I didn’t know what to say, and my parents were too stunned to say anything.

After the doctor left, my parents came near me. I was ready to face their disappointment. I couldn’t speak, I was sorry.

"What happened, chhori? Why didn’t you tell us you were going through this?" Aama's voice was barely a whisper, full of worry and hurt. I couldn’t hold back any longer, my eyes filled with tears, and we all broke down together. Even though I could still sense some disappointment in them, their love for me was stronger than any of it.

My first day of therapy felt like being dragged to a mental hospital. I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t want my friends to know or pity me for ending up in a hospital bed. I grew to like my therapist though, she is a nice woman. She lets me speak about anything I want, or I can even shut my mouth... It’s been a while since I’ve been taking therapy regularly, and I take my medicine regularly too. And I feel so much better. It’s like witnessing sudden calmness on my shores.

One good thing about all of this was Akash. He brought me tulips when I was in the hospital. I was too embarrassed when he first entered the hospital room to see me. I was so angry at Aisha for telling him about me being hospitalised. How could she?

He smiled as soon as he entered. Ughh, those beautiful eyes, but I was mortified to look into them. I sighed and looked away. He calmly stayed beside me and said, "Aren’t tulips your favourite?" I smiled in reply. We didn’t talk much that day, but before leaving, he whispered in my ear, "After you get out of here, we’ll go on a date. You, me, and your favourite espresso!"